When people choose to leave

There is a popular internet meme that makes the round from time to time that says something to the effect of, “You are going to be too much for some people. But it’s OK – those are not your people”.
And while I really want to cheer the sentiment, and applaud the self-confidence the idea pushes us toward, the cold hard reality is that, sometimes, the people we are too much for are our people.
Almost twenty years ago, in the beginning of my work around homelessness and hunger, there was a couple that was nearly always by my side. We had all moved to this new town at the same time, and none of us had any friends here, and so we latched onto each other.
We all became friends. We were often at each other’s houses, we ate together, we supported each other vocationally, and they both played a part in my wedding. I still own a coffee cup her mother gave me at Christmas. He had gotten me plugged into some churches where he had connections, and I played a part in his journey of deconstructing the religious fundamentalism he had grown up with.
We were, by any definition, friends. Close friends. And then we weren’t.
How the thing fell apart was epic, and a conversation for another day. If we are ever in the same room sharing a beverage, ask me and I will tell you about it. But for today’s purposes, just know that they are the ones who left me and that I am still proud of how I handled it.
But at the time, I was really confused and hurt. Eventually, I came to understand that at the core of the disagreement that led to our “breaking up” was the simple fact that, despite our having begun at roughly the same place, I had become far more radical in my view of the world than they were. And that was a threat to them and their belief systems, and so if it came down to sticking with me or holding onto their belief systems, they had to choose, and they chose, well, not me.
Years later, I was telling Brian McClaren the story, and he looked me in the eyes and said, “Hugh, not everyone who starts with you will finish with you. And that’s OK.”
While that seems self-evident, at the time it was a huge relief. Eventually, I came to peace with it. Sometimes the people who can’t journey along with us are family members, or romantic partners, or just good friends who have known us for years. And when they leave, it leaves a jagged hole in our lives and we wish they had stayed.
One of the hardest things for us to remember is that not everyone learns, grows, or develops at the same rate. And sometimes, when we grow or learn faster than our friends, they resent that. Or they have reasons for not being able to accept what you have come to see as self-evident.
In fact, that last sentence I wrote is often it. Sometimes, they do the math and realize that if they went where you went, it would cost them too much in terms of relationships and social standing, and so they must reject what you offer because it would simply cost them too much. And as Upton Sinclair famously said, “It is difficult to get a [person] to understand something, when [their] salary depends upon [their] not understanding it”.
People are endlessly complex, and while their actions and motivations don’t always make sense to us, their actions always make sense to them – there is always an internal logic that supports their actions, even though the logic eludes us on the outside.
But again – it will happen. Not everyone who starts with you will finish with you. And that’s OK.
We all must figure out what lines we will draw, and what is a bridge too far, in keeping with our values and internal logic. But one useful tool I have settled on is that, barring abuse, I won’t be the one to end the relationship. (I may, however, decide to invest less in the relationship.)
So, for example, in the example of my friends who left – they were the ones who left. I was OK with us not being at the same place. I was OK with them believing different things. I was OK with us disagreeing. I won’t pretend that it wasn’t sometimes hard to be in a relationship with them, but it was, on balance, worth it to me.
I’m not telling you that is the right line, or boundary. I’m just saying it’s mine.
But when people decide that they can’t be in a relationship with you, when they write you off for your beliefs or convictions, when they decide you have gone too far – please don’t take that personally.
Some folk who started with you won’t finish with you.
And that’s OK.